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INTERNATIONAL COUNCIL OF MAN LAWS
- Before allowing a drunken friend to cheat on his girl, you must attempt one intervention. If he is able to get on his feet, look you in the eye, and deliver a "FUCK OFF", you are absolved of your responsibility.
- Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while weight lifting: "Yeah, baby, push it!" "C'mon, give me one more!" "Harder!"
- Thou shall not rent the movie "Chocolat".
- Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
- Any man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.
- When you are queried by a buddy's wife, girlfriend, mother, father, priest, shrink, dentist, accountant, or dog walker, you need not and should not provide any useful information whatsoever as to his whereabouts. You are permitted to deny his very existence.
- Unless he murdered someone in your immediate family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.
- It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
- You may exaggerate any anecdote told in a bar by 50 percent without recrimination; beyond that, anyone within earshot is allowed to call BULLSHIT. (Exception: When trying to pick up a girl, the allowable exaggeration rate rises to 400 percent).
- Never join your girlfriend/wife in dissing a buddy, except when she's withholding sex pending your response.
- If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless you actually marry her.
- The minimum amount of time you have to wait for another guy who's running late is 5 minutes. For a woman, you are required to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.
- Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddies refrigerator is forbidden. You may gripe if the temperature is unsuitable.
- No man is ever required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact, even remembering a friends birthday is strictly optional and slightly gay.
- Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
- Agreeing to distract the ugly friend of a hot babe your buddy is trying to hook up with is your legal duty. Should you get carried away with your good deed and end up having sex with the beast, your pal is forbidden to speak of it, even at your bachelor party (Wingman).
- Before dating a buddy's ex, you are required to ask his permission and he, in return is required to grant it.
- Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.
- The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox360. End of story.
- If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem - you didn't see nothin'.
- It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances: when a heroic dog dies to save its master; the moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse; after wrecking your boss's car; when she is using her teeth.
- The universal compensation for buddies who help you move is beer.
- A man must never own a cat or like his girlfriend's cat.
- Your girlfriend must bond with your buddy's girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them. You are not required to make nice with her gal pal's significant dick-heads - low-level sports bonding is all the law requires.
- When stumbling upon other guys watching a sports event, you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
- Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.
- When your girlfriend/wife expresses a desire to fix her whiney friend up with your pal, you may give her the go-ahead only if you'll be able to warn your buddy and give him time to prepare excuses about joining the priesthood.
- Thou shall not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue...
- It is permissible to consume a fruity chick drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless supermodel... and it's free.
- Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
- A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain sober enough to fight.
- If a buddy is outnumbered, out manned, or too drunk to fight, you must jump into the fight. Exception: If within the last 24 hours his actions have caused you to think, "What this guy needs is a good ass-whooping," then you may sit back and enjoy.
- Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.
- Never talk to a man in the bathroom unless you're on equal footing: either both urinating or both waiting in line. In all other situations, a nod is all the conversation you need.
- The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.
-In the mini-bus, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
- You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment (commonly known as a Dutch oven), she's officially your girlfriend.
- Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
- There is no reason for guys to watch ice skating or men's gymnastics. Ever.
 
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